I didn't shave. On purpose
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
