Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
