im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
