If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
