My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
