fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
