I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
