but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
