I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
