Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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