its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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