Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
