There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
