YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
