Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
