omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
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