birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
