Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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