you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
