last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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