we have pet lesbian snakes
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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