Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
