she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
