I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
