I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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