I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
