I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
