I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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