just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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