nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
