You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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