When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
