Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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