From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
