doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
