take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
