Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
