Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
