I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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