I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
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