We're like a lot better than the average bears
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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