I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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