Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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