i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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