my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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