the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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