Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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