There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Randomize
