There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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