Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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