I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
