it hurts more in the daytime
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
