At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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