when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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