you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
